College fashion
“The biggest problem on college campuses isn’t binge drinking, a lack of diversity, the liberal agenda of professors, or the scarcity of adequate funding for new student housing. No, the biggest problem is that most people dress like fucking slobs. In college, you’re young and virile and have time to go to the gym and you can eat like shit but still look good. And yet so many college students still dress in ill-advised “retro” tees and bad sneakers, a wardrobe that should be left on the backs of Somali Pirates, not America’s next generation of great minds. By the time I reached my senior year at my hallowed Alma Mater, I was one “girl in a North Face fleece and sweatpants with something written across the ass” away from throwing myself into oncoming traffic on Beacon Street. Seriously, if I had to do another group project with a former “lax player” in a hat with a ripped brim who wore FLIP FLOPS IN THE WINTER IN BOSTON, I’d probably be writing to you right now during my 30 minutes of weekly monitored computer time at the state penitentiary and have a nickname like “The Survey of Bio Killer.” When people say college is time for experimenting, they mean with drugs and promiscuous sex, not with how long can you go wearing the same American Eagle boxers. And don’t give me any excuses about being tired or hung-over, because I was always drunk and frequently did not sleep before my 9am class and I still managed to keep my shit together – better than I do now, if you’d like me to be completely honest. Iron your shirt, wear jeans that fit, shun Birkenstocks, only wear shorts in the summer and you’ll be light years ahead of the competition. You’ll also probably garner some actual respect from your professors and get laid by non-virgins who won’t immediately email their best friends back home about you (that’s a red flag, btw). Unless you’re going to like, Vassar or something, in which case you should simply focus on clothes that allow movement for your epic afternoon Ultimate Frisbee sesh (having an epic afternoon Ultimate Frisbee sesh is also a red flag, sorry).”
